Fuck Yeah Fat Dogs!

tele-emmy:

My fat sausage dog :3

No, don’t take a photo of me on this sofa.  It’s awful.  I mean… god, the fabric.  

Help me I am in Hell

I just farted on your cake
I just farted on your cake
I did a pout and a smell popped out
And I just farted on your cake

Click the little box above for an AUDIO VERSION! Woo.

I’m so fat, I grew another dog from my right flank.  

Yeah, I look guilty.  It’s all a front though.  I’m glad I did it, and I’ll do it again, this time from my left flank.  I’d be like Cerberus, just chunky and with more mouths to scarf lasagne with. 

I’ve been loyal.  I really, really have.  I was a good pup, lean and strong.  I fetched papers, brought slippers, and hardly ever ripped up the curtains.  I only pooed on the kitchen floor the once, and the smell was so bad I learned all on my own never to poo in the house.  

So, as I got older, I was loved.  I was fed pork rind, bacon, lasagne, steak, bread, cake, pie, all that wonderful, wonderful stuff. 

And here, in my salad days, a time when I just want to lay back, relax and think about my conquests. 

A crazy bloke in a red leotard comes and bums me. 

It’s just not sportsmanlike.

Oh baby, I love with all my heart
oh baby, I did right from the start
I act real nice, I act real cool
I look like a turd in a swimming pool

ohhhhh yeahhhhhh

*Thanks for the MASSIVE influx of followers over a two hour period.  Come submit! 

Dear God

I’ve been a good dog.  I played with the kids, I fathered fifteen pups.  I danced the tango in the moonlight with beautiful bitches. 

Now, I have but one prayer.  Just one. 

Turn me into a paella. 

I want to eat myself. 

Submitted by Mrs-Satan

one more for the bone,
she likes lips and 
one more for the bone,
she dont need no diamond rings,
couldn’t get her through the door,
so i did her on the floor,
one more for the bone

let’s get naked baby,
roll under the sheets,
i ask one favor baby,
dont you roll on top of me

Poetry by Poison (one more for the bone)

Woke up this morning, feelin’ fine
there’s someone special on my mind
I asked to see her this week, and she told me I could
(he asked to see her and she told him he could)

Somethin’ tells me I’m into something no really I can’t be arsed now.  Look, I moved this far.  Bitch can come to me instead.  She’s probably frigid or something.  Look, it’s fine.

I’ll see her next week.